<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Some Good, Clean Fun by ChompMom</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25964317">Some Good, Clean Fun</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChompMom/pseuds/ChompMom'>ChompMom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Undertale (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Also it depicts a world in quarantine so if that's gonna bum you out I'd avoid this, F/M, Female Reader, I can't believe I'm actually writing for classic Sans for once, I know it says Sans/Reader but it's not written in 2nd person, I wanted to try to move away from 2nd person because it was effecting my writing overall, I will also probably be continuing to update the tags as time goes on, I'm not editing all those tags, M/M, Shameless Smut, Stalker Sans (Undertale), This story is kinda gross sorry, Updating tags, Was no one gonna tell me I used effected when it should have been affected?, Well it's too late now, Yandere Papyrus (Undertale), Yandere Sans (Undertale), gross Sans, honestly they deserve each other, hooking up with strangers on craigslist, how tf does Mettaton keep inserting himself into my fics, no not all aro people are sex fiends, now here's the juicy stuff, oh and reader is just as gross as Sans, reader character somewhat implied to be aromantic but it's open to interpretation, reader is kind of a bitch sometimes, smol sans - Freeform, some will contain spoilers from this point onwards, that's just reader lmao, yeah he's got the bug too</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:20:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25964317</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChompMom/pseuds/ChompMom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What to do when you're bored, horny, and alone in quarantine...why not hook up with somebody who can't carry the virus?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mettaton/Papyrus (Undertale), Sans (Undertale)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>142</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Nasty Boy Meets Nasty Girl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I knowww I don't need to be writing another fic but I've been sitting on this first chapter for a while and it makes me laugh so here, have it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sans wiped some sweat off his forehead with the sleeve of his ratty, old hoodie. He shouldn't be here, he really shouldn't be here. </p><p>The bedroom he stood in was dark, lit only by the yellow glow of a street light filtering through the curtains. Of course, being a monster, he didn't really need the light to see. He could see well enough without the assistance thanks to the eternity his kind spent trapped underground. Skirting expertly around clothes and junk piles that were littered on the ground, Sans approached his main target: the bed. On the bed lay the object of his singular fascination. His unhealthy obsession. She lay strewn across the bed sloppily, limbs flung every which way and mouth hanging open. A glistening path of drool was making its way down her cheek, leaving a large wet spot on her pillow. Grunting snores emitted from her gaping mouth, filling the room with their obnoxious presence. </p><p>Sans' gaze fell onto her face, softening fondly. She farted in her sleep, snorted, and turned over on her side. The snores continued. </p><p><i>she's so damn cute</i> Sans sighed dreamily, thoughts completely focused on the slumbering woman. He shuffled closer to the side of the bed, crouching so he could be level with her face. As his knees hit the ground, they smashed something into the carpet, crunching loudly. Sans winced, watching her face closely for any sign of waking. When she did nothing more than rub at her nose sleepily, he breathed a sigh of relief, once again thankful his human was such a heavy sleeper.</p><p>He gingerly checked what he'd kneeled on to make sure it wouldn't make any more noise, only to find an abandoned cheeto smushed into the carpet. Well, hopefully she wouldn't notice. Considering the amount of food garbage that littered this side of the bedroom floor, he doubted she would. He awkwardly scraped some greasy, orange dust off of his bare kneecap before wiping it on his shorts. He really needed to wash them. <i>eh. another day. maybe.</i></p><p>Creeping closer, Sans was finally able to rest his chin on the mattress, head level with hers. He could feel her humid breath wash against his teeth with every exhale. It was a little rank, but he didn't mind. He watched with rapt attention as one hand reached over in her sleep, only for it to drop behind to scratch at her butt. <i>god I wish that was me.</i></p><p>Gaze now focused lower, he noticed how the sheets had been hopelessly tangled between her legs, revealing most of one hairy leg. <i>been a while since you've shaved, huh sweetheart?</i></p><p>Feeling rather bold, Sans reached out to pet her thigh, feeling the smooth skin beneath the fine hairs that covered the appendage. <i>so soft, babe…</i> He repressed a low groan. <i>been so long since i've seen you out an' about. god, i've missed you…</i> Not that it really mattered to a monster who couldn't carry the virus, but with all the humans in self quarantine, it heavily cut down the amount of time he was able to watch his human. Oftentimes she would spend all day in her home office, a room without any windows, leaving him limited options for watching her. </p><p>Sure, he could try to sneak inside, but the risk was too great during the day. He had to wait until she was sound asleep to really spend any time with her. Sans made sure to visit her every night. He found he could no longer sleep without having at least seen her face up close, it was really getting to be a problem. Even Papyrus was starting to get suspicious of him. </p><p>Sans spent a little more time just watching her in her sleep, entranced by everything about her. Her sweaty sleep shirt and the odor it carried, the messy, greasy hair that was slung lazily into a ponytail, the numerous food stains and crumbs that littered her bed: he loved them all. He loved everything about her. </p><p>Glancing at her alarm clock, he noted the time. <i>3 o'clock. better head home and get some sleep.</i> Sighing sadly, he rose to his slipper-clad feet, reluctant to leave her, before noticing a present problem. His shorts were tented with a muted, blue glow. <i>oops. you're such a minx, turning me on like that, even in your sleep.</i> He rubbed his bulge absently. <i>guess i better go take care of this. love you, sweetheart.</i> Very gently, he pressed his teeth to her forehead in a loving kiss before retreating into a shortcut. </p><p>He landed on his bed, bouncing a little. He signed before working his shorts down enough for his length to spring free. It only took a couple of expert strokes and the thought of her soft, hairy thighs pressed together to bring him over the edge. He wiped himself off on his balled up sheet and rolled over to sleep. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Three Months Ago</b>
</p><p>Sans was so done with life. If he could spontaneously dust on the spot, he would. He was hanging out in the park with his hot dog cart as usual, dealing with a decently long line of customers, when a particularly irate woman decided she wanted to be a problem. </p><p>"I specifically asked for mustard and relish, and you put neither on my hot dog!"</p><p>Sans sighed in irritation, "And like I said, lady, there's a spot right over here where you put your own condiments on-”</p><p>“But that’s YOUR job! I’ve got more important things to be doing, not that you’d understand that you lazy little-”</p><p>“Hey Karen!” A new voice joined the fray, “Why don’t you shut your whore mouth and let that poor guy do his job? Some of us are fucking hungry!” Sans looked up at his foul-mouthed defender, soul thumping loudly in his chest at the sight of her. She was tall, well, taller than him anyway. Not that that was very impressive. Most people were taller than him. Her curly hair was done up in a loose bun, bits of it spilling out to frame her face messily. She was rocking a mix between the vaguely-frumpy college student, and sexy librarian look. It was...really doing it for him. She looked so soft...and her boobs were at the perfect height for his face to press right in to during a hug...</p><p>He was pulled from checking her out by the unholy shriek of an insulted Karen. </p><p>“BITCH! I’LL KILL YOU!” Karen charged his hero like a raging bull and she quickly sidestepped, causing Karen to trip on her own feet and crash to the ground. Most of the customers in the line were either filming, laughing, or backing up by this point. Sans was just enjoying the show.</p><p>Before the crazy lady could stand back up, an off-duty officer jogged up and broke up the brewing fight. He got some statements from witnesses and dragged Karen off for a talking-to. Too bad she wasn’t getting arrested...that shit would be hilarious. </p><p>When Sans looked back to the line of customers he still needed to serve, he was surprised to find his personal hero standing there. When he did nothing but stare at her she quirked a brow. “Can I get a dog?”</p><p>“Oh, uh, yeah. It’s on the house.” He handed the hot dog and bun over to her, which she eagerly took. </p><p>“Thanks hot dog dude.” She grinned as she plopped her dog down at the condiment station and proceeded to slather the thing in ketchup. <i>Shit, she’s perfect</i>. </p><p>“It’s Sans.”</p><p>She quirked her brow at him again, and his soul squeezed at how cute she looked with her nose scrunched up in confusion. “My name. It’s Sans the skeleton.”</p><p>At that, she smirked, a frankly (hah) illegally hot expression, before replying, “Whatever you say hot dog dude.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Eavesdropping Is Rude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oh ho ho have some more degeneracy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sans twisted the little knob on top of the strange contraption Alphys had built for him. It fit snugly in one hand, slightly resembling an older model cell phone. He continued to fiddle with the knob until a small beep sounded. Grinning in triumph, he pressed the device up to the side of his skull so he could hear.</p><p>"-irl you would not BELIEVE how many times a day she and I go at it. Got nothing else to do. Plus, you know...refractory period who?" Sans rolled his eyes at the feminine voice and subsequent tittering laugh, waiting impatiently for the other side of the conversation. </p><p>"Ughh I'm so jealous of you two. I wish I had somebody living with me that I could fuck." Sans' eye lights grew fuzzy as he listened to his sweetheart's voice. <i>god I wish I lived with you babygirl, I'd fuck you so good.</i></p><p>"For real," she continued, "Like, I know it's pretty selfish to be wishing I could get dicked down while people are out here struggling, but still. I'm so fucking horny… just not enough to risk my life."</p><p>"Hey maybe there is an option! You're a freak, right?"</p><p>"Bitch, rude! But I mean, yeah."</p><p>"Well… monsters can't get the virus, you know. They can't even carry it. Or STIs!"</p><p>Sans' jaw dropped… he couldn't believe the turn this conversation was taking. He might even be about to find out if his sweetheart would ever be interested in a monster like him. </p><p>"Hmm… well I suppose that could work. Monsters can control what sort of bits they have, right?"</p><p>"Hah! Knew you were a freak! And yeah, my cousin mentioned a monster he hooked up with having a cunt and a cock at the same time. They asked him what he preferred and he said 'Surprise me!'"</p><p>"Hah, bet he was surprised."</p><p>"You better believe it."</p><p>"So what should I even do? Post on craigslist?" She giggled, obviously not serious. </p><p>"Hell yeah, girl! I mean you could try tinder but I've heard monsters are few and far between there and on other dating apps. Just get them to prove they're a monster before meeting them!"</p><p>Sans clutched the device to himself, no longer paying attention to the conversation. His sweetheart was going to proposition random monsters on the internet. Images of other monsters getting to see her naked, touching her, fucking her filled his mind. He scowled, a low growl rumbling in his chest. He could not let that happen. Time to run interference. </p><p>Lucky him, the contraption Alphys made for him had another function beyond listening in on phone calls. He just had to wait for his human to get on her computer and he'd be ready. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Pre-pandemic</b>
</p><p>Sans was so happy, his foul-mouthed hero continued to visit his hot dog stand regularly. Some days she looked sharply dressed like she was on her way to an office, and others she wore a simple, stained hoodie and some faded jeans. In his opinion, she looked hot in whatever she wore. </p><p>It had become a sort of running joke that she refused to use his name, only ever referring to him as "hot dog dude". He did think it was funny, but at the same time he found himself longing for the sound of her voice saying his name. He often spent his down time daydreaming about how good it would sound rolling off her tongue. He'd lost track of the amount of times impatient customers snapped him out of said daydreams. Alas, she was sticking to her guns. He was forever the hot dog dude. </p><p>Another, completely different problem: he discovered what her name was but couldn't use it. She'd never introduced herself. If he slipped up even once and called her by name she'd realize he'd looked into her. And yeah, he'd looked into her. </p><p>Something about the way she walked, the way she spoke, the way she carried herself drew him in like a moth to flame. He could feel a burning desire for her in his bones which could only be doused by learning more about her. He'd followed her to work once, it was an office only a block away from the park he sold hot dogs in. He couldn't find the courage to slip inside behind her, worried she'd turn around and discover his creepy behavior. Yeah, he knew he was being creepy. At first, he told himself he couldn't help it, he didn't mean any harm, he just wanted to know a bit about her. That was his excuse. </p><p>The excuse worked for a while. Knowing her name and where she worked also calmed him somewhat. For a while. Soon it wasn't enough. </p><p>His obsessive behavior continued to escalate until he found himself outside her home. He'd followed her there after she got off work. It wasn't until he was crouched in her front bushes, staring longingly at the door she just entered that he realized how far he'd fallen. He'd gone too far. Way too far. </p><p>All those morals he thought he had? Thrown by the wayside, swept away in the overwhelming current of his fascination with her. He had a fleeting thought, in that moment crouched in the dirt and mulch, that he could stop now. He could turn around and go home and never bother her outside the interactions they had at his stand. The thought made his soul sink. </p><p><i>fuck it</i> he thought. He’d gone against his own morals before, in other timelines. For all he knew, this timeline might not even be permanent! Didn’t he deserve to have something that made him happy? Watching her made him happy. Or at least he <i>thinks</i> this is what happiness feels like. After being numb for so long it was hard to tell. </p><p> </p><p>...Papyrus would be so disappointed in him…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>...but what Papyrus doesn’t know won’t hurt him, so Sans decided to commit to his misdeeds and carve a path straight to hell!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. jerryslist</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sans watched with bated breath as his sweetheart navigated to what was essentially the monster version of craigslist, jerryslist. Yeah, the mere thought that Jerry had set it up was a huge turn-off for most monsters but nobody could deny its usefulness. Where else could you get rid of MTT brand products that definitely do not make you more rectangular. Or more popular. Or smell nicer. Regardless, he wasn’t entirely sure where she’d heard of it, but maybe her weird, loud friend had mentioned it. He hadn’t been keeping up with conversations between the two of them since he’d stopped listening in on that phone call. </p><p>Currently he had Alphys’ little device hooked up to his own computer which allowed him access to his sweetheart’s desktop. He had to admit...he did look through her photos. She had quite the knack for taking lewds of herself, in his opinion. He enjoyed them thoroughly until the thought that she might have sent them to previous sexual partners occurred to him. He had to take his frustration out on his poor pillow at that thought. Papyrus had complained about finding bits of stuffing tracked around the house. Sans denied any and all involvement. As usual, the annoying dog was blamed. </p><p>With rapt attention, he tracked the cursor as it clicked in to make a new post. In the end, it read:</p><p>
  <i>Hey. I’m a lonely, human woman looking for a bit of monster company during the quarantine. Here’s a pic of me (img). Hit me up if you think you’d like to get to know me before meeting up. (xxx-xxx-xxxx)</i>
</p><p>
  <i>MONSTERS ONLY</i>
</p><p>
  <i>DO NOT CONTACT ME WITH UNSOLICITED OFFERS OR SERVICES</i>
</p><p>A bit on the nose but he supposed it got the point across. Now he just had to field...undesirables. </p><p>After fiddling a bit with the little device, the picture on his monitor changed from a view of her desktop to display her text messages. </p><p>Almost immediately a message from an unknown number popped up. Well, it was unknown to his sweetheart’s phone. He, unfortunately, recognized it right away. <i>fucking jerry</i>. Knowing Jerry could not be cajoled, reasoned with, or scared off, he decided to go with a more direct route and just block his number from her phone. He also deleted the message for good measure. Hopefully he got to it before she could read it, the contents were too graphic to be repeated.</p><p>Soon another familiar number popped up. <i>ugh, aaron</i>. The message was just a picture of him flexing with a “;)” tacked on the end. <i>wow. real original buddy</i>. Now Aaron...Aaron he could deal with personally. </p><p>Really, Sans could make this all easier on himself and just block every number that replied to her about the ad, but he didn't want to do that. If nobody responded to her it would probably be a huge blow to her self-esteem. He didn't want to hurt her...</p><p>Pulling out his cell phone, Sans dialed the number he was glaring at on his screen. It was picked up almost instantaneously. “hey buddy. yeah, yeah, nice to hear from you too. where are you, if you don’t mind me asking? oh? thanks bud.” Sans cut his reply off with an unnecessarily violent jab at the “hang up” option on his phone. An unsettling grin on his face and eye lights extinguished, he ‘ported to Shyren’s house.</p><p>He shook his head to dislodge the less than pleased look on his face and made sure to reignite his eye lights. No need to freak out uninvolved parties. He rapped twice in quick succession. Moments later Shyren timidly pulled the door open. She trilled out a happy note in greeting while Sans grinned good naturedly, “you’re supposed to say ‘who’s there’.” </p><p>Shyren shook her head and let out a questioning series of notes. </p><p>"is aaron here? i need to talk to him."</p><p>She nodded and opened the door wider to let him in. </p><p>It seemed Shyren had a couple of Waterfall monsters over for a little get-together. Everybody gathered greeted Sans with varying degrees of enthusiasm, but all were friendly. </p><p>Aaron was perched on an arm of the couch, horse-like nose buried in his phone, and undoubtedly flirting with Sans' sweetheart. Sans balled his hands into fists, struggling to keep the easygoing grin on his face. Aaron finally looked up after Sans was right in front of him. </p><p>"Hey Sans~  What's up? ;)"</p><p>"hey bud, can I speak to you in private for a sec?"</p><p>"You got it~"</p><p>Aaron followed Sans into the backyard. Shyren's back porch was cutely decorated with little seashell wind chimes, which were tinkling softly in the gentle breeze. </p><p>Sans stood with his back to Aaron, jaw clenched. The air around the two monsters turned frigid, the wind chimes stopped as the breeze seemed to subside. Aaron looked around, shivering a little in the uncomfortable atmosphere. </p><p>"so. met a new human, have you?" Sans' voice was so cold. </p><p>"Y-yes? ;)" Aaron smiled nervously, trying to recapture his usual attitude. </p><p>"heh. how nice." Sans suddenly turned to face Aaron, his eye lights dim. "and what are your intentions towards her?"</p><p>"What are you her dad or something? ;)"</p><p>"let's just call me a concerned friend and leave it at that."</p><p>"Right ;)  Well, she said she wanted some company and I'm more than happy to provide~"</p><p>"<b> n  o </b>"</p><p>Aaron jumped, eyes wide. </p><p>"see, now what you're going to do is be real nice to her. platonically."</p><p>"P-platonically? ;("</p><p>"yes. if i find out you've been anything but a gentleman you'll have me to deal with. understood?"</p><p>Sans snuffed his eye lights, giving Aaron a hard stare, who nodded frantically in agreement. Sans held his position for a solid minute before a friendly smile spread across his face and his eye lights reignited. The cold atmosphere faded and the wind picked up again. </p><p>"i'm glad we can see <i>eye to eye</i> on this," Sans winked mockingly before abruptly disappearing from sight. </p><p>Aaron stood frozen on the patio. The wind chimes tinkled gently. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Pre-pandemic</b>
</p><p>Sans thought he couldn't sink any lower than stalking his sweetheart to her home. Oh how wrong he was about that. </p><p>She was currently in her home office, working away, and Sans had snuck into her bedroom by way of teleporting. He was pretty nervous to be snooping around during the day but he had a mission. He wanted a pair of her panties, dammit! He knew it was probably the most stereotypically creepy thing to do but that wasn't stopping him. </p><p>He was originally going to just snatch a clean pair from her underwear drawer when something caught his eye. There, perched perfectly on top of her laundry pile was a baby blue pair of lacy panties. His pupils dilated in their sockets as he approached the laundry basket and picked up the panties with a ridiculous sense of reverence. Unable to hold back his first instinct, he pressed the dirty panties to his nasal cavity and took in a deep breath, huffing the scent of his sweetheart. </p><p>
  <i>fffuuck</i>
</p><p>The sound of her standing up from her desk chair one room over startled him out of his reverie. </p><p>"Hello?" She called out tentatively. </p><p>
  <i>fuck did i say that out loud?</i>
</p><p>Her footsteps could be heard approaching the bedroom door, and in a panic he clutched the panties to his chest and teleported back to his bedroom. </p><p>
  <i>fuck that was a close one</i>
</p><p>He looked down to admire his prize when he noticed the fear boner he must have gotten at the thought of being caught by her. <i>welp. might as well take care of that</i></p><p>As Sans wanked it with the newly acquired pair of his sweetheart’s undergarments, he couldn't help but think, <i>next time i'm definitely getting a pair of socks too</i></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WAP was stuck in my head the entire time I was writing this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. If It's Good for the Goose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey I'm stuck away from my computer for a week so all my writing is on my phone. Hopefully I didn't mess up this posting haha.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sans spent the next few days continuing to weed out undesirables from his sweetheart's phone. Most of them just required a quick talking to about "friendship", and luckily the majority of the monsters complied easily. Sans was pretty popular after all, most monsters were fine with doing him a favor.</p><p>Papyrus himself even texted his sweetheart, but Sans wasn't worried. Paps was always interested in making new human friends, strictly friends, so he knew there was no romantic interest there.</p><p>Now he just had to craft his own opening message to her. Easier said than done. </p><p>He spent hours staring at his phone, clueless about what he could possibly say to her. Should he open with a joke? Should he introduce himself politely? He just wasn’t sure. In the end, he started with a simple:</p><p>sans: hey<br/>
sans: saw your ad<br/>
sans: sup</p><p>And then he immediately regretted it. <i>did i really just triple text her as my opening line? fuck.</i></p><p>sweetheart: Wow, I see you’re a monster of many words.<br/>
sweetheart: Do I get to know your name?</p><p>
  <i>FUCK! i didn’t even introduce myself, what the fuck is wrong with me?</i>
</p><p>sans: haha oops<br/>
sans: its sans</p><p>sweetheart: Oh! You’re Papyrus’ brother, right? I think he mentioned a Sans.</p><p>sans: oh yeah thats me<br/>
sans: hes the coolest right</p><p>Sans didn’t think he’d be able to handle it if she didn’t like his brother.</p><p>sweetheart: Of course! He seems like a total sweetheart.</p><p>
  <i>thank fuck she likes him.</i>
</p><p>sweetheart: It’s too bad he’s not interested in sex, he’s mad cute.<br/>
sweetheart: Wait is it weird to talk to you about wanting to fuck your brother?<br/>
sweetheart: Wow sorry, yeah that’s totally weird.</p><p><i>shit. she likes him TOO much. wait...when did the two of them talk about sex? and how does she know what he looks like?!</i> Soul practically beating out of his chest he rushed to his computer and pulled up the text conversation between her and Papyrus. </p><p>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Of course, Papyrus, I love talking to you!</p><p>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: THAT IS WONDERFUL TO HEAR, FRIEND! I ALSO ENJOY TALKING WITH YOU!</p><p>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: So would it be alright if you sent a picture of what you look like?</p><p>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: AH! YOU WISH TO GAZE UPON MY GREATNESS! THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE! <i>image attached</i></p><p>It was a picture of Papyrus in his battle body, flexing for the camera. There were multiple heart filters layered over the top.</p><p>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Aww! You’re so handsome!<br/>
NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Do you want me to send a picture too?</p><p>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT MY NEW FRIEND LOOKS LIKE!</p><p>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: <i>image attached</i></p><p>Sans felt his face heating up. It was a very tasteful picture of her in a cute, cocktail dress with a rather flirty look on her face. He quickly saved it to his “sweetheart” folder. </p><p>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: WOWIE! YOU ARE VERY PRETTY!</p><p>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Aww, thank you Papyrus!<br/>
NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Hey, I hope this isn’t too forward, but would you ever be interested in hooking up?</p><p>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: HOOKING UP? DO YOU NEED SOME HELP SETTING UP SOME ELECTRONIC DEVICES?<br/>
THE GREAT PAPYRUS: OH.<br/>
THE GREAT PAPYRUS: I’M VERY SORRY TO LET YOU DOWN, FRIEND, BUT I AM VERY MUCH NOT INTERESTED IN SEX!<br/>
THE GREAT PAPYRUS: I BELIEVE I’M WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL “ASEXUAL”?</p><p>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Oh, don’t be sorry! I totally understand. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable!<br/>
NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: I hope we can still be friends!</p><p>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: OF COURSE! DON’T WORRY, I AM VERY USED TO FENDING OFF SUITORS!</p><p><i>okay, crisis averted.</i> Papyrus was great at letting people down easy.</p><p>Sans returned his attention to his phone. <i>shit!</i> </p><p>sweetheart: I’m really really sorry if I made you uncomfortable!<br/>
sweetheart: Sometimes I say things without thinking!<br/>
sweetheart: I understand if you don’t want to talk anymore.<br/>
sweetheart: I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone.</p><p>
  <i>fuck me i’m such an idiot.</i>
</p><p>sans: NO<br/>
sans: sorry i mean dont go<br/>
sans: i uh<br/>
sans: i totally understand you being into my brother<br/>
sans: hes very popular<br/>
sans: id still very much like to talk to you</p><p>
  <i>shit. was that too much?</i>
</p><p>sweetheart: Oh thank fuck.<br/>
sweetheart: You had me worried there for a second.</p><p>sans: heh sorry<br/>
sans: im a real bonehead</p><p>sweetheart: …..<br/>
sweetheart: Was that a pun?</p><p>sans: maaayybee</p><p>sweetheart: Ah you’re one of those.</p><p>
  <i>shit does she hate puns? fuck me that’s all i’ve got!</i>
</p><p>sweetheart: I’d be lion if I said I didn’t have pride in my abilities as a punster.</p><p>
  <i>fuck fuck fuck she’s so fucking perfect</i>
</p><p>sans: i dont know if i could bear it if you didnt have any sort of cat-pacity for puns</p><p>sweetheart: I sea you’re quite the funny MANatee</p><p>sans: i don’t mean to sound like im fishing for pics<br/>
sans: but i f-eel like we might be manta be and i wanna sea what you look like</p><p>sweetheart: Nice one, haha.<br/>
sweetheart: But I already used sea.</p><p>sans: ehh cant win em all</p><p>sweetheart: Now about those pics...you first, buddy.</p><p><i>shit. do i go for sexy? show a bit of ribcage? ahhh fuck!</i> Not sure what to do and also not wanting to keep her waiting, he quickly snapped a selfie with his tongue peeking out and touching the tip of one sharp canine. <i>sharp teeth are sexy, right?</i> Before he could overthink it, he quickly sent it off.</p><p>sans: <i>image attached</i></p><p>sweetheart: Wait skeletons have tongues!?<br/>
sweetheart: And it’s blue!?<br/>
sweetheart: …..<br/>
sweetheart: Hot dog dude?</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Pre-pandemic</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“heeeyyyy alphys.”</p><p>“AAHH! S-sans!” </p><p>Sans repressed a snicker as Alphys quickly tried to close the tab on the hentai she was watching. She huffed and adjusted her glasses. </p><p>“Sans, what did I say about s-startling me like that!?”</p><p>“to not do it?”</p><p>Alphys sighed in exasperation and twirled around in her desk chair to face Sans. </p><p>“So what brings you here today?”</p><p>“i was wondering if you could do a little favor for me…”</p><p>“And your way of buttering me up to ask for a favor was s-scaring the crap out of me??”</p><p>“hehe, you know how it is. knocking is for chumps and knock knock jokes. at least i don’t bust the door down like undyne.”</p><p>“Riiiight. S-so? The favor?”</p><p>“yeah so i need a device that can hack cell phones and pcs and remote access them.”</p><p>Alphys frowned. “Are you trying to pry into Papyrus’ private life again?”</p><p>“heh. an understandable assumption, but no.”</p><p>“Aaaaaare you going to tell me what it’s for?”</p><p>“nope.”</p><p>“Sans!” She threw up her claws in frustration, “I can’t just go around handing out technology like that! What if it got into the wrong hands?”</p><p>“it wont. look, its...for the good of monsterkind.”</p><p>That wasn’t <i>exactly</i> a lie. It was for the good of <i>one</i> monster. He was part of monsterkind. That totally counted.</p><p>“Fine, fine. I’ll do this for you...just promise me you won’t let anyone else use it. And you owe me big time.”</p><p>“thanks. i could sneak into the publishing house and steal a copy of the proof for the next mew mew kissy cutie comic.”</p><p>“It’s manga! And...um. Don’t get caught?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Puns are hard. I don't know how publishing works. I'm a mess. </p><p>Let me know if the texting portions are annoying or difficult to read.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Apparently It Runs in the Family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm still aliiive! I've been sitting on half of this chapter for months, unable to finish it when I decided to try that comic sans font trick and boy howdy did it help. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>sweetheart: Hot dog dude?</p><p> </p><p>
  <i>shit. of course she’d recognise me, she sees me like three times a week at the park.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>sans: yeah its me<br/>sans: didnt think youd recognise me</p><p>sweetheart: Dude! I buy hot dogs from you like every other day!!<br/>sweetheart: How could I not recognise you!<br/>sweetheart: Well, whatever! Now you can answer my questions!!</p><p>sans: questions?</p><p>sweetheart: Yeah! How tf do you have a blue tongue?!</p><p>sans: ✨mmmmagic✨</p><p>sweetheart: Well duh!<br/>sweetheart: Wait, does that mean you can form other stuff with your magic?</p><p>sans: yeah<br/>sans: whatever i want basically</p><p>sweetheart: CAN YOU MAKE YOUR TONGUE INTO A DICK!!?<br/>sweetheart: I NEED TO KNOW<br/>sweetheart: FOR SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES</p><p>Sans choked on saliva he didn’t even need at her response. A very vivid picture of himself fucking her with a dick-tongue overtook all his thoughts, causing his pants-dick to form with a zap of magic. </p><p>
  <i>ffffuuuuck. okay sansy, play it cool.</i>
</p><p>sans: yeah<br/>sans: like i said<br/>sans: whatever i want</p><p>He paused for a moment, weighing the risk of sending the next message he’d typed out. Suddenly sucking in a breath, he quickly sent it, bracing for her reaction. </p><p>sans: or if you prefer i can make it whatever you want</p><p>Sans waited for her response with bated breath, trying desperately to ignore the distracting throbbing of his dick. </p><p>sweetheart: Dude what the fuck!<br/>sweetheart: That’s crazy!</p><p>
  <i>oh fuck she thinks i’m nasty fuck fuck fuck</i>
</p><p>sweetheart: Wait could your tongue dick cum!!?!<br/>sweetheart: IS YOUR CUM FUCKING BLUE TOO?!!!<br/>sweetheart: DOES IT TASTE LIKE BLUEBERRIES?!?</p><p>She was thinking about how his cum tasted…</p><p>
  <i>fuck</i>
</p><p>Sans came in his pants. </p><p> </p><p>✨💦✨</p><p> </p><p>Mettaton giggled at his boyfriend’s phone as he watched the lanky skeleton text over his shoulder while the two of them were spooning on the robot’s overly luxurious bed.</p><p>“Pappy darling, I’ll never understand why you insist on lying about your sexuality.”</p><p>Papyrus sighed and set his phone down on the bedside table, turning in his boyfriend’s arms to face him. “It’s just easier this way,” he responded. </p><p>Mettaton extended one arm over to the recently discarded phone, easily unlocking it and scrolling back up through the text message history. “Look at this, pretending like you don’t know when someone’s coming on to you!” Mettaton shoved the phone back at Papyrus to emphasize. </p><p>The screen read:</p><p>
  <i>NEW HUMAN FRIEND!: Hey, I hope this isn’t too forward, but would you ever be interested in hooking up?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: HOOKING UP? DO YOU NEED SOME HELP SETTING UP SOME ELECTRONIC DEVICES?<br/>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: OH.<br/>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: I’M VERY SORRY TO LET YOU DOWN, FRIEND, BUT I AM VERY MUCH NOT INTERESTED IN SEX!<br/>THE GREAT PAPYRUS: I BELIEVE I’M WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL “ASEXUAL”?</i>
</p><p>“You knew exactly what she meant!”</p><p>“Of course I did. As I said, it’s easier this way. Humans find me more harmless and approachable if they view me as some sort of sexless, naive child who can do no wrong. The more humans trust me, the better I can perform my job.”</p><p>Mettaton pouts, “I know but it just seems so disingenuous. I love you just the way you are and you’re hiding yourself just to-”</p><p>“To help secure the rights and protections all monsters deserve? I would say that’s a pretty good reason.” Papyrus attempted to retrieve his phone but his boyfriend’s arm extended further out of his reach. </p><p>“The ambassador has it under control, I really think you should be able to be yourself in public. They’re already an adult and they can handle these things themself.”</p><p>“They’re barely an adult, they’re only twenty!”</p><p>“Papyrus, you’re starting to sound like your brother.”</p><p>Papyrus’ sockets blinked once, Mettaton’s words stunning him into silence. The robot took that momentary pause to continue, “You know better than anyone what it’s like to be underestimated and treated like a child, why would you subject your own friend to that?”</p><p>“Hmm, I suppose you’re right,” Papyrus mused as he rubbed his chin with one gloved hand. After a moment of contemplation, he let his gaze wander away from his boyfriend. “Although that’s not the only reason…”</p><p>Mettaton’s face contorted in annoyance and he flipped his ridiculously shiny hair out of his eyes, “Darling, is this about my image again?”</p><p>“Yes! It would be bad for your brand if people knew you were taken! It destroys the fantasy they have that they could someday be with you!”</p><p>Mettaton scoffs and pushes himself up off the bed to pace, tossing Papyrus’ phone back to him. “I don’t care about any of that! I love you and I’m proud to be yours!” He stopped mid step. “Unless...you’re ashamed of <i>me</i>.” He pouted dramatically, knowing that Papyrus knew he was full of shit. </p><p>“You know it’s not like that Metta...listen, I-”</p><p>“You owe me for hurting my feelings!”</p><p>Papyrus smiled wryly and pulled his robotic lover back into bed with him. “Fine, anything you want.”</p><p>“Come with me on my next tour!”</p><p>Papyrus frowned and said, “You know I can’t do that, I-” He stopped mid sentence.</p><p>Mettaton raised a shiny eyebrow, indicating for him to continue. After a moment a wicked smile crossed the skeleton’s face. </p><p>“That human my brother’s been talking to…I think that could work…”</p><p>“You mean that one you said he’s been obsessed with for the past couple months? Wait, is <i>that</i> the human you were just texting?!”</p><p>“Yes! You know how he is, he has to focus all his energy on one person or he goes stir crazy.”</p><p>Mettaton grinned, “And he already learned that you won’t tolerate the coddling anymore.”</p><p>“Nor will Frisk.”</p><p>“So what you’re saying is…”</p><p>“Sans will be too distracted with his human to care about me going with you on tour!” Papyrus grinned triumphantly. </p><p>“Darling, you’re so diabolical,” Mettaton purred, nuzzling his nose into his boyfriend’s clavicle.</p><p>“Nyeh heh heh you have no idea!”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Pre-pandemic</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Sans peered into his binoculars, teeth grinding in frustration at the sight before him. Through her window, he could see his sweetheart pulling her date into the bedroom, removing clothing items as they went. Normally he’d be ecstatic at the show but right now all he could see was red. That filthy fucking human was touching his beautiful, perfect sweetheart and all he could think about was teleporting in there and wrenching the disgusting man away from her and pinning him to the wall with blue magic and carving him up with bones until he screamed for mercy-</p><p>Sans blinked, lowering the binoculars. That was...not a healthy reaction to jealousy. Of course, he knew <b>nothing</b> about his current behavior could be considered healthy, but...he should probably draw the line at actual murder. <i>i can’t let him get away with this though…</i></p><p>As Sans contemplated his options, his gaze slid over to the douchebag’s overly garish car still parked in sweetheart’s driveway. <i>heh, betcha not so impressive without your douche-mobile</i></p><p>It only took a couple swipes with some well-aimed bone attacks to slash all of the douche’s tires, and then, for good measure, Sans also knocked out one of the tail lights. Satisfied with his work, he made sure to trigger the car alarm and settled in to wait. </p><p>He only had to wait a couple seconds before the douche emerged, shirtless, with sweetheart trailing behind dressed only in a thin robe. Sans discreetly snapped a picture of her before returning his attention to the target. </p><p>“What the fuck! My Beamer!” The douche wailed pathetically, collapsing to his knees like a dramatic child.</p><p>“Well shit,” Sweetheart muttered. She awkwardly patted the tantruming adult man on the shoulder, saying, “Guess you’re staying the night. Can’t call a tow truck until the morning.”</p><p>Sniffling and leaning heavily on sweetheart, the douche hobbled back into the house to be comforted by the most beautiful and radiant woman in the world.</p><p>Sans’ grip on the binoculars tightened until the plastic warped and the lenses popped out. <i>fuck</i></p><p>Sans had to watch, sullenly, as the humans amused themselves by fucking like jackrabbits into the early morning when they could finally called a tow truck. </p><p>That plan had backfired spectacularly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hehehe bet you were disappointed when you saw another uwu innocent Papyrus, weren't you? Yeah, normally I love the ace rep but I decided that this wasn't the fic for that. Also Papyrus isn't some innocent flower, regardless of how you portray his sexuality. Also ace people aren't innocent flowers either (case in point: me).</p><p>Also I've got nothing against BMWs really I just googled "what's the douchiest car brand" and BMW popped up and I thought a grown man screaming about his Beamer was funny, soo...</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated!</p><p>Let me know if you see any mistakes as well.</p><p>Feel free to hmu on <a href="https://twitter.com/opocoon">Twitter</a></p><p>Or on <a href="https://motherofchomp.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>